Oh boy, I have something to share with you my tender readers. I know that I may not seem like a real ‘hip’ guy, but I enjoy an occasional indulgence. Recently, I have spent my time getting really into dread. You know, worrying, furrowing my brow at the future, that sort of thing. I know that all the cool kids are getting really into the void and stuff, so I figured dread is a good starting place for me. I never thought I would turn into a full dread addict. Now there is nothing I love more than a hot cup of dread in the morning.
This wasn’t the first hip trend I have tried to get involved in. Last year I exclusively listened to Lil Yachty in an attempt to understand the culture that has passed me by. Not only did I get no closer to understanding my daughter, but I picked up a nasty habit of cussing around the house. My wife was annoyed, but her favorite rapper is Lil Uzi Vert, so she can’t really talk.
I’m not sure why I get so excited about these things. Is it because I never had a ‘cool’ childhood? I spent my days wandering the Old Navy, looking for a shirt that didn’t make me look like a dweeb. Oh but was I a fool. Old Navy should be renamed Dweeb City for all it did to me reputation around the school.
Then came college, where I made the mistake of joining the glee club. This was before Glee the show and Hamilton and all that. People did not want to hear us and I suffered for years due to this mistake. I walked around the campus and people would just yell “Glee!” or “Mirth!” at me. It was very off-putting.
Finally, I made it to adulthood. I thought I was in the clear. I mean, I get to live my life on my own terms, right? Wrong actually. The first day at my new job someone called me “Big Tuna” the name stuck. No one could associate me with anything but this stinky fish. It made me question my friendships and I lost some good people.
But now that I have dread, none of that matters. Now I simply sit in my basement in fear of the outside world. I write memoirs that no one will read and I fill my cup until it runeth over. I live my life on my terms and it’s all due to dread.
Thanks dread! Thanks apprehension! Thanks fear!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who does not know a Mr. Dredd and would appreciate it if you stop asking. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.