Read Your Coffee Horoscope or So Help Me

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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Iced Coffee

Philosopher, teacher, and iced coffee drinker. Take a step back from lecturing this month and make an effort to truly listen to friends, family, and colleagues. You might just find they’re plotting your demise. Or, that they don’t support your overt passion for podcasts. Maybe you could watch a documentary or TV show like the rest of us, eh?


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Pisces (February 19 – March 20): French-Pressed Coffee

You take time to enjoy the finer things and never hesitate to share them with friends. As usual, you’ve given away too much of your time and energy to others. You’ve been sucked dry and require some time off for self-care. Remember Zoboomafoo? Yeah. You should watch Zoboomafoo.


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Aries (March 21 – April 19): Cold-Brew Coffee

The leader of the pack. A hefty, overtly strong cup of cold joe. That’s you! You’re probably a step ahead of us here, but the time has come for you to master a new skill. The way the planets are currently aligned, we’d suggest something meditative. Origami. Sugaring your body hairless. Pottery making. Stay zen!


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Taurus (April 20 – May 20): White Coffee

You’ve been letting yourself go–you need a caffeine boost and a life overhaul. To get your week in order, you’ll put meal prepping, to-do lists, and Google Calendar into action. Diving headfirst into technology, you’ll feel a momentary sense of peace. Then, you’ll remember your sister’s baby shower at the last minute. You’re in charge of the cake! Already hours late, you’ll pick up the only one still available:

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Yikes!


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Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Dirty Chai

It’s about time you got serious: You’ll tackle new projects at work, winning over your superiors at the risk of alienating your coworkers. To make it up to your colleagues, you’ll host a cupcake soirée! The first time you bake a batch of matcha green tea cupcakes, you’ll forget to add sugar. The second time, they’ll be delicious. Unfortunately, you’ll serve the first batch, having tossed the second. Better luck next time!


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Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Latte

You’re deeply intuitive and sentimental. That being said, you didn’t need to cry over your smoothie the other day. Sure, it was too bitter. That’s kale for ya! However, we have a feeling you’ll make some real life improvements soon. Hopefully, leaving your Pinterest behind for greener pastures (Instagram, obv).


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Leo (July 23 – August 22): Americano

Driven by the desire to be loved and admired, you’ve headed a social ride group. Cyclists just get you. You’ll remain fairly well balanced with this new hobby and other aspects of your life for the time being, but the stars reveal impending turmoil. Remember your old jogging club? Be ready for these two groups to intersect in unforeseeable ways.


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Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Cortado

Life’s a real roller coaster, and you’re feeling the downswing. So, maybe life’s a boomerang? Scratch that. All this to say, you’ve been keeping up with your athleticism recently, and that’s fantastic. Though, your jogging club is about to intersect with a social ride group in unforeseeable ways.


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Libra (September 23 – October 22): Turkish Coffee

Lately, your life’s been especially sweet. You started a YouTube channel about fashion, and it’s gained popularity. Unfortunately, you didn’t watch The True Cost beforehand. Now, your Wish hauls have thousands of views, but the comments section is filled with negative criticism. Yes, you should do a thrift haul or apology video ASAP. Do your research next time.


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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Quad Espresso

There’s no doubt about it–your darker side is out and about these days. Everyone knows you’ve been using your roommate’s soy sauce without asking. Dude, just get your own. Especially Valentina. You can afford it, and your friends deserve better.


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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Cappuccino

You’ve been trying to quiet your mind and others are taking notice. It turns out, you don’t have to show the nearest warm body your entire text message thread before replying to someone you matched with on Coffee Meets Bagel. Also, you’ve been watering your succulents and cacti without begging others for advice. Great job! Even though most of them have gone grey, we’re proud of you.


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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Black Coffee

No fuss, no muss. Much like the simply and quickly brewed black coffee, you’re efficient as hell. You’ve got another month of tightly scheduled plans ahead. Be wary–this moon cycle brings uncertainty. You’ve considered breaking the mold by adopting an exotic pet. Perhaps, a sloth or anteater. Resist! You’re too busy to provide these animals the proper love and care they deserve.


 

This article was written by Holly Ratcliff who is quite disappointed she won’t be adopting an anteater anytime soon. Holly studied poetry at Texas State University. Her literary research is available through the Texas State Undergraduate Research Journal: “‘Too much water hast thou, poor Ophelia’: An Object-Oriented Reading of Hamlet.” Twitter/Instagram: @HollytheHare

 

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