In the spotlight this week: coffee. Most of us know coffee as that honest friend that wakes us up after on too many. That constant companion that we find in conference room meetings and cozy diners. However, you may not know that coffee has another purpose outside of waking us up with its earthy aromas. Coffee is known in the business world as the “brown go-go juice” that makes “the business man work.” Without coffee, no business would get done and no deals would be made. Can you imagine such a world?

Well, if you can imagine such a world, welcome to the resistance. A world without the crushing weight of business pushing you down is known to us as Mother Communism. Yes, I am a communist. I know, we sneak up on people. That’s something we are pretty good at. Sometimes we are so sneaky that we don’t even know we are communists until someone calls us one. That’s the best way to know you’re a communist.

You see, the businesses of the world are drying up our supply of coffee. The very thing that makes them tick is the very thing they have brought to the brink of destruction. Unless we do something and quickly, not only will we no longer have coffee, but we might no longer have business. Again, I would be OK with this, but communism is also about the goal of the community, not just my own.

If we can move to a point where business men simply drink less coffee, we would have to assume that they would work less hours. This simply means we would need to get more from our workers out of those hours. By doing this, we can slow the consumption of coffee and potentially save capitalism.

Or, what I am now thinking might be a better idea, you can drink as much coffee as possible and bring about the end of capitalism by doing the one thing it never expected would be its undoing: drinking coffee. Bring the brown go-go juice to their front steps and remove its head from its body. Symbolically, of course.

By drinking the lifeblood of our enemies, we can bring them to heel. Drink their coffee and bleed them dry, my brothers! Drink their blood!

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who admits that things got out of hand. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.