(Chestersmith, IL) Hey folks, how’s it going? Can I get some applause from the crowd? No? Alright, I’ll have to earn it. You know, as a stand up comedian, or a ‘Standy’ as we like to refer to ourselves, my job is to take common everyday things and turn them into relatable jokes for you. One that’s been running through my mind, and I’m not sure if I have heard another standy talk about this before, is airline food. I mean, that stuff is not great. Am I right, folks?

I was on a flight the other day and I swear the flight attendant was laughing in my face as he set before me the most awful pancakes I have ever seen. Not only that, but these pancakes had something I had never see before: onions. Ugh, gross, right? I mean, maybe if it was at a fancy crepery I would let it slide, but still.

Then, on the following connecting flight, the stewardess set before me a half eaten apple. Get this, I think she was the one who ate it because I watched her take a good couple of bites from it before setting it on my tray. She then leaned down and whispered into my ear, “That’s the Delta special, babe, there is more where that came from.” Um, sign me up as not interested!

Now folks, we’ve been joking, we’ve been relating, but I am going to shift things a little bit and talk with you about something I just cannot stand. You know how everyone has to wait around for their chance to get on the flight? I tell you, every single person in that line thinks they are the most important person in the world.

Personally, I like to just start screaming. Really puts things in perspective and reminds everyone that it is in fact me who is most important, not them. I love that classic prank. You folks go to college?

*the rest of this article cannot be completed as the author was sucked into a deep void and left no trace. he will not be missed*

**he is now however, quite literally, mist**

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate a banana once and then learned to love himself. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.