Hey friends, boy are you in for a treat. I just got off the phone with my cousin, you know the one, and he told me that there is a new and exciting thing on the internet. As a lover of new and exciting things on the internet, I was anxious to hear about what he was referring to. I was not disappointed. According to Gabriel, there is a place online where you can watch videos of people putting their hands in various slimes. They call it Slime Web and it is my new obsession.

I know what you’re thinking, “We’ve heard this slime talk before, we aren’t so easily fooled nowadays.” I understand. I understand that I lost your trust when I convinced the entire community to buy into my last slime venture, but trust me when I say that this time will be different. This will be the day when the U.S. economy finally realizes the great power of slime and it’s benefits to us as a nation.

If you didn’t know, I have been a slime advocate ever since I first dipped my fingies in my first space goo. Oh my, what a treat. I still recall the memory often. Ever since then, I’ve been hooked and tried to bring slime to the great North American area. Unfortunately, slime is a highly volatile investment and so far I have fallen into more pits than valleys climbed. But I believe in a brighter tomorrow, don’t you?

I mean, sure, the tomorrow of tomorrow might not actually be bright, but we can sure believe that it will be. That belief is what keeps me going. That belief is the reason I get up in the morning. The belief in a world that does not resemble the oblivion of my dreams. A place where the future doesn’t feel so impossible.

But I’m ranting. Let’s get back to what I was talking about: slime. You see, slime has been around for longer than anyone can truly understand. Not only that, but the Slime God, our Benevolent Host, has watched over us since we were each simple slime ourselves. But the slime of 2018 is different from this other, more sacred slime.

The slime of the internet is something else entirely and honestly, if you don’t understand the Slime Web by now, I don’t know what to tell you.

Get on board. Get Slime.

End of article.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood maybe, but you get the idea at this point.