(Venice Beach, CA) For a man that the New Yorker calls ‘profoundly sad,’ Ben Affleck sure seems to have a lot of fun in the sun. Recently, he was seen frolicking at Venice Beach flaunting a horrible back tattoo that had yet to be unleashed to the world. Until now. I’ll admit that I fell for the click bait. I mean, this guy is the Batman of our generation whether we like it or not, what does a man like that get a tattoo of? Well, apparently it is a picture of my face. I know, I’m as surprised as you are.

What does a person do in this situation? I am seriously at a loss. I keep thinking about it, hoping it will make more sense, but it doesn’t. Where did he get my picture from? How does he know who I am?

And why would he devote his entire back to me? Who am I?

It’s a lot of questions. You get it. But here is the thing, I have never been happier. The bliss I feel at this is truly heavenly. My life has been changed in the smallest and weirdest way, and I’m never going back.

I think that I’ll open a chain of quirky rest stops up in the Rockies. People there really appreciate the subtleties of Affleck’s work and would probably keep me in business by shear nicheness. That sounds like the kind of weird left turn I’ve been looking for in life.

Anyways, come on out and patronize my business. Please. Otherwise this whole Affleck back tattoo thing will have been in vain.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, on his phone, like a millennial. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.