(Baltimore, MD) From the mouth of a child were the pillars of Rome destroyed. That may not be the exact phrase, but I think it communicates the point I am going for here. What I meant to say is that today scientists revealed their latest study that has been conducted on Americans over the last 40 years. The findings can only be described as disturbing. According to the official press release from Yes We Are Scientists Thanks For Asking, our dreams can have affects on us that we will never fully understand. I know. Bummer, right?

 

Have you ever been afraid to sleep? Are you now?

 

The press release continued: We interviewed thousands of people over these 40 years after we had told them we had been monitoring them. Typically, telling the subject only makes the dreams worse, so we try not to unless under dire circumstances. However, that being said, the people we did interview had some fascinating stories to tell.

 

“I remember dreaming one night that my entire family had been turned into quicksand,” said one participant. “After that, I was always looking for vents to stand over, just in case. You see, in the dream I had fallen into the quicksand which my family had become. But, if I were to be standing over a grate or vent, all of the sand would fall through and I would be fine.”

 

“I don’t quite remember when it started,” said another member of The Dream Guild. “I do remember when it end. I had just finished my 8 year commitment to the study and as they finally revealed to me what they had determined, I knew that I would never dream again. And I haven’t. I fall asleep one second, I wake up the next. In between, nothing. And you want to know the funny thing? That scares me even more than the dreams.”

 

“Nothing quite like a dream,” said one participant who reportedly was under study for 40 years. She never was told what they were doing. She was never told that her dreams had become worse and worse until they could no longer be described as dreams, only nightmares. And still, she repeated again “Nothing quite like a dream” with a twinkle in her eye.

 

“I was only under study for a year,” began a participant who was shaking. “But I couldn’t take it anymore. I made them tell me what they were doing, my dreams had become so horrifying. Now, I don’t dream. I simply float through the void for 6-8 hours each night. I don’t miss the noise. I only want the void.”

 

“My dreams have all been pretty chill. You see, when I was young, I befriended my demons. Now, we get along great.” Reported the final participant we interviewed. “The demons would tell me what the scientists were doing. You know, what experiments they were running, what drugs they were pumping us full of. You know, general news. I didn’t really care, I just dreamt and dreamt. I soon became their favorite subject because of my unique condition. Little did they know I was silently screaming the entire time. I was petrified. I hope they will pay for their crimes. Viva the revolution!”

 

That last participant then stabbed my co-host and then climbed a barbwire fence. It was pretty metal.

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is against stabbing, for the record. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.