Welcome back to another edition of Dear Abraxas, the question and answer column that is just like a Dear Abby, only you are receiving answers from a real life hellgoblin. Today, we tackle some tough issues facing today’s youth and big questions such as “Where have all the good mice gone?” and “Who ate my leftovers?” Both impossible to answer, but that’s the fun thing about this, it’s incredibly serious.
All that being said, let’s get to the Qs.
Dear Abraxas, where has the time gone?
Hello writer, good question. Time has been missing for quite awhile now. We aren’t sure when they will be back, but we wish them well in their travels. Although I will admit that I miss being on time to things.
Dear Abraxas, where have all the good mice gone?
The good mice have packed their bags and left. We don’t deserve them.
Dear Abraxas, how’s hell?
Actually the weather hasn’t been too terrible, despite recent reports. Satan has had kind of an off week, but that usually means we get to goof around. It’s hard to sin in March, so we usually take frequent breaks to maintain a positive attitude.
Dear Abraxas, who ate my leftovers?
I did. I have to, it’s part of my job. I won’t apologize. I loved it.
Dear Abraxas, where does rain come from?
Rain is God’s blessing to us. It reminds us of the stars. I hope that you will think of me when the rain comes. I hope you will think of the stars.
Dear Abraxas, am I too old to be a communist?
One is never too old to be a communist. Just like most political affiliations, it is never too late to join. Opinions change. Time’s arrow marches forward. That being said, communism seems to be in these days with the cool hell kids , so go for it if you get the chance.
Dear Abraxas, when will high school end?
High school, like many things, exists in an odd, separate plain from ours. You can come and go from your current time to high school at any point, but you must give up something about yourself each time. Each time more of you will be gone. Will it be worth it? Who knows. Who knows? Who knows!
Peace out, nerds.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like you to know that the Dear Abraxas logo is a t-shirt. Thanks Maddie. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.