This just in from the Holy Gathering of the Moonclan: after years of silently stalking our planet, the Moon has finally spoken to us. It’s demand? Water. You see, from what we know about the Moon, we know that it is voraciously thirsty. Each morning and night, the Moon draws the water closer to itself, and each night, the Moon’s thirst grows. It demands that we drink more water ourselves to satiate it’s thunderous need. So, this comes from us directly at Eritas Daily HQ: drink more water, the Moon demands it. Your only other option is to perish.
Now, I know this is a lot, right? The Moon is talking for goodness sakes. Who saw that coming? Well, the Holy Gathering of the Moonclan sure did and they won’t leave my inbox alone about it. Apparently, a few years ago they tried to get more people in Hong Kong to drink water in accordance with their rituals and traditions.
Apparently, the people of Hong King became very hostile in the fact of this adversity. They banned water and told their citizens to drink nothing but syrupy sodas. They added that anyone caught drinking the ‘water of the devil clan’ would be punished severely. I am only telling you this to warn you that worshipping the Moon is not joke. And neither is the consequences of not listening to the Moon.
The Moonclan has brought this message to the Eritas Daily council and after much deliberation we have decided to share it with you. Dear readers, please drink as much water as you can. Water is healing. Water is life. Water pleases the Moon, a great celestial being that controls our every waking moment. A Moon you can not run from.
Buy out the Sam’s. Buy out the Costco. We will not stop until we have hunted down every last drop of water and fulfilled the thirst of a vengeful god. Look upon the face of thee and tremble!
So yeah, remember to try and get 8 cups a day guys. That’s all we have today for ED Health Tips, but we hope you learned a lot. Buh-bye now.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who really has a thing for this Moon thing. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.
[…] With Christmas just around the corner, you’ve no doubt just begun to think about holiday gifts for your friends and loved ones. As the old saying goes, “It’s not Christmas until you get panic induced back sweat at Macy’s.” Doing our best to help you avoid this gift-giving stress this holiday season, we have put together a guide to shopping for your loved ones based on their zodiac sign. After all, what better person to help you with shopping than the moon? The moon knows all and will lead you to success and wealth. Obey the moon or perish. […]