With Christmas just around the corner, you’ve no doubt just begun to think about holiday gifts for your friends and loved ones. As the old saying goes, “It’s not Christmas until you get panic induced back sweat at Macy’s.” Doing our best to help you avoid this gift-giving stress this holiday season, we have put together a guide to shopping for your loved ones based on their zodiac sign. After all, what better person to help you with shopping than the moon? The moon knows all and will lead you to success and wealth. Obey the moon or perish.

 

Let’s get into it!

 

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Known amongst the stars as natural leaders, the Aries in your life would probably like nothing more than the Tony Robbins Ultimate Edge DVD box set, now only just $199.20. What a steal!

 

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Steady, driven, enduring. Sound like the Taurus in your life? Then why not complete the adjective list and buy them the latest Tenacious D album, sure to make even the biggest Grinch smile wide.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geminis sure love to talk, don’t they? Sometimes, they don’t even need an active participant, just someone to voice their thoughts out loud at. What better gift for them than a Listening Robot, new from Boston Dynamics this year. Not only will it listen to them and nod along, but it will store each of these thoughts in its internal hard drive and save them to black mail you later, something every Gemini will love. Such fun!

 

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Big cookie. That’s all any Cancer has ever wanted.

 

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

As most of us know, Leos are always showing off. Showing off their muscles, their various girlfriends and boyfriends, and most importantly, their wonderful fashion sense. What better gift for such a show off than a luxurious top hat. Bonus: you’ll be able to see them coming from miles away, so they will never be able to sneak up on you.

 

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

According to what the moon has told me on several occasions, Virgos are notorious for their rigorous attention to small, insignificant details. So, instead of wasting time buying them a gift, you should waste your time moving half of the items in their home one inch to the left and the other half one inch to the right. Not only will they become completely obsessed with trying to figure out this mystery, but they might learn something about the implausibility of life, something we should all take more time to consider.

 

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Don’t get them anything. They’ll love that more than any physical item you could possibly find.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpions, Scorpion King on dvd, just scorpion related things in general. Or, go a completely different direction and just steal their car. Either way, the Scorpio in your life is sure to remember 2019 as the year you killed it in the gift-giving category!

 

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Most Sagitarrius folks are very philosophical, so try to trick them into fighting god. You can do this pretty easily by buying them a book a friend of mine recently published titled How to Fight God and Enter the Void with Ease: 7 Steps Toward Greater Spiritual Love. (Please buy this book, I get a percentage if you do)

 

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Considering that Capricorns are born so close to Christmas, it seems almost selfish for them to want even more presents. Instead, sit down and have an honest discussion with them about how selfish they are. Trust us, they’ll love this more than any present you could give them.

 

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Give them a series of small clues that lead them on a horrible and wonderful scavanger hunt through the city of New York. At the end, give them a kiss on the cheek and wish them well. Trust me, Aquarius folks will love this. Will it actually be worth it? Probably not.

 

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Some fish or maybe some Phish? Idk, you know them better than I do.

 

Happy shopping! Try not to trample anyone.

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was hanging out in the moon’s second house when he wrote it, whatever that means. Follow him @NPEllwood.