Are you a man? Are you running out of ways to describe your totally realistic women? If so, this handy go-to list is for YOU! All of these were written by me, Maggie, a totally realistic woman.
Is She a little bit country? Try this down-home description: “My bedazzled jeans hugged my badonkadonk that badonkadidn’t quit, like the engine in my big green tractor, and fit nicely around my thighs, which were juicer than the chicken ones Granny Jo would fry up every Sunday after church!”
Is She a little bit goth? Then consider this Hot Topic approved analysis: “The tight shirt that my voluptuous breasts strained against screamed GO AWAY, but my gloriously violet eyes screamed CHOOSE ME. LOVE ME. I made sure to hold eye contact for as long as possible with every man I passed in the hope that one of them might fall deep into my eyes and hear my cry for rescue – from myself.”
Is She a little bit adventurous? Maybe go with: “My legs, which were balanced, like everything in my perfect life, between being strong enough to choke a man out and being graceful enough to look stunning in my sparkling red evening gown with the slit up the side, were sheathed by my incredibly practical booty shorts. Well, my life was perfect save for the absence of a big, strong, burly man.”
Is She a little bit considerate of the menfolk? What about: “My hips, which swayed proudly as I strutted down the sidewalk, were complimented perfectly by the tight leather corset dress which I chose to wear in spite of the stifling weather; after all, why should I consider being comfortable in a pair of equally sexy denim shorts or a flowy dress when I could be a walking fulfilment of a stranger’s fantasy? I was nothing if not thoughtful of men.”
Is She a little bit millennial? Try this very in intro: “My #totes sexy #milkshake #brings all the boys #NOTALLMEN #FEMINISMISCANCER 2 the yard #lol I just could NOT resist 1 boy tho his #bigred #MAGAhat was #2sexy”
Is She a little bit Girl Next Door? Try this: “My glossed, perfectly plump lips parted, just slightly, when he walked into the coffee shop where I work because I was an English major and obviously couldn’t get gainful employment, not in this economy that was harder than my rock-hard abs that had zero definition because my ladylike body simply would not take to it! Surely, he wouldn’t notice me, the barista with whom he would have to speak? After all, I looked so average, with my perky breasts like little mandarin oranges under my uniform, and my mousy brown hair that shone like a prize pony’s mane tied back in perfectly bouncy pigtails, and my eyes that glinted like emeralds behind my hipster glasses, accented with no makeup because I’m just not that kind of girl.”
Is She a little beach babe? Consider: “I don’t know what it was that drew men’s gazes to me. Maybe it was my cute little nose, tan and sprinkled with delicate freckles that indicated how much time I spent out in the sun, with not a lot of clothes on. Or maybe it was my arms, thin and tan, which indicated how much time I spent out in the sun, with not a lot of clothes on. Or maybe it was my legs, also thin and tan, which indicated how much time I spent out in the sun, with not a lot of clothes on. Or maybe it was my personality, that glittered and was as round as my perky rear end, which was tan, and indicated how much time I spent out in the sun, with not a lot of clothes on.”
Is She a lady with a little … je ne sais quoi? Essayez-le: “I had a that little something that all the men go crazy for. Maybe it was my bulbous bust that bounced ever so slightly as I walked, or my luscious legs which sprouted from my plump derrière, which also bounced ever so slightly as I walked, or maybe it was my dewy cheeks that glistened after I spent no time at all putting together the Au Natural look. I have been described by my paramours as having that ‘je ne sais quoi,’ but I don’t really know that I even know what that means.”
Is She Vanessa from Bee Movie? EASY: “I had EVERYTHING. The mom haircut. The mom clothes. The mom look on my face when you did something incredibly stupid or dangerous. And, of course, I had the bee’s knees.”
This short cheat sheet was written, believe it or not, by Maggie McAlister, a woman. Not twenty cute little bats in the shape of a woman. What would give you that idea? You can follow her on Twitter @madmaggs21.