(Des Moines, IA) Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Every time I try to go out and have a good time during the heat of the summer, my plans are ruined by little green men. I just want to enjoy my summer, not be asked questions about the latest developments in humankind. “What’s a bitcoin?” “Who is Adam Driver?” “Do you realize how close you are to the end?” Enough! All I am looking to do with my summer is lie on a beach somewhere with a cold mojito, but these damn UFOs keep ruining my plans.
Take for example, last summer. I was on a trip with my family to the great state of Idaho. We have been to Boise multiple times, but this was the first time that we were being permitted to see the Slug Baron. You see, the Baron rules over the underworld of Boise and our family has been trying to get in with them for years, so this was a pretty great opportunity to say the least. Instead, I was captured by aliens, given a written exam on pop culture, and then thrown back into reality like a wrestler tossing her prey.
This wasn’t the first time, however. In fact, the last seven summer vacays have been completely upended by this celestial dickheads. This leads me to be convinced that they are the same group of extra terrestrials and that they spend their summers, or summer equivalents, harassing earthlings and taking the piss out of what was supposed to be a relaxing week.
I’ve had enough. I will not sit and be quiet in the face of this tyranny. These interstellar teenagers are quite literally ruining my life and they are doing it just to have a laugh at my expense. Where are the laws? How do I sue an alien?
Funny enough, I actually found a lawyer willing to do it. Bob Loblaw is officially on the case! That’s right, the best in the biz. We got him.
We got him. Everything will finally be fine.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who thinks you should also read this thing. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.