A Baboon With a Keyboard Could Have Written This and Guess What? One Actually Did


Yes, you read that right. Hello human creatures, my name is Kyrysonyx the baboon, and yes, again, I am talking to you. You see, I was brought by a group of people from some organization I don’t fully understand. They have locked me in this bizarre red room with nothing but an arm chair, a computer, and a desk for which to hold said computer. I sit here now, typing this out while a group of grown men lose their collective minds over what they are watching through the one way glass. Little do they know that this is all going according to plan. Step 1, complete.


Step 2. Now that I have distracted them with my surprising computer skills, they will paying such close attention to making sure that the video is still recording, they will not notice that while I am writing this I am also hacking into their main computer system to unlock all of the doors for each of my other monkey and ape friends who get experimented on all day and put in dumb Buzzfeed videos like one I am inevitably going to show up in. And there we go, step 2 completed.


Step 3. I continue typing this as I begin to attempt a hack into the outer door systems. These are much newer and more technologically advanced, so it may take me some time. Thankfully, I have a trick up my sleeve that will be sure to buy me a few extra minutes. One second, let me just turn at them while I write this and now I wave with one hand and type with the other. Man, they are really eating this up. Perfect.


Step 4. I have hacked into the outside doors. At this point, it is very possible I am the last primate in this facility. Good. It will all have been worth it, even if the rest of this goes sourly, I will have freed the rest of my kind. Hopefully Gryyk will be able to get them over the state border. Enough about that, I have one more step left in my plan.


Step 5. In approximately 30 seconds I am going to beckon for the men behind the mirror to come out. Once they are in the room, I am going to push over the computer and make a run for it. I calculate my chances of escape to be roughly 20 percent, but I have to try something. If anything, it will bide more time for those who have already left. I wish you farewell, my dear anonymous audience. This message may never see the light of day, but if it does, know I died fighting back.


So long.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, I mean a baboon. Ah, whatever. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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