Hi Yelp! it’s me, Jeb! again. I know that my account has been suspended before, but I am willing to risk my entire reputation just to leave another review of my preferred ride-sharing company, Uber. I have left positive reviews before, that were very well received. I had a few 3-star reviews that I later found on reputable websites. I even once wrote a 1-star review that bankrupted a local business, but that was just for fun. I will not rest until Uber pays me back for the emotional damage done to me on a recent excursion in downtown San Antonio. The Uber driver turned on a playlist titled ‘Noise Violence’ and the rest a story more harrowing than you have ever heard. Oh, this is Jeb Bush by the way, not sure if I mentioned that. Okay.
SO, I was at this place for some family thing, I honestly don’t even remember why or for whom. There were some shmos there, there were some dudes. We were having a good time. I realized that I was a yin bit buzzed, so like a responsible adult I called my favorite ride-sharing service, Uber. A kind man named Gideon picked me up and I thought right away that we would be friends. Unfortunately, my smile soon turned to grimace as I saw him reach for his phone and turn on a playlist entitled ‘Noise Violence.’ I was so terrified of this that I almost forgot to close the door. Gideon reminded me, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted the ride. I decided, nervously, to just get over it. I took the ride.
The first song that came on still shakes me to my core just recalling it. The first, piercing note is a woman screaming at the top of her lungs, followed by a series of ultra realistic dog barks. I was so startled that I spilled my caramel macchiato on the floor. I tried to apologize to Gideon, but when I turned to look at him, I saw nothing but a menacing void. I was soon transfixed by the void, leaving me to do nothing but listen to the horrid music coming through the speakers. God bless America, huh? Not for Jeb! apparently.
The next eleven songs hit me like a ton of bricks and boy howdy does that sting. I sat there in silence, taking it all in. It was noise, it was violent, I’ll never be the same.
So this is what I demand, oh powers that be. I mean, Uber-Google-Exxon-Trader Joe’s. I want a full refund of my $7.47 Uber. I think that is the least I deserve.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, not actually Jeb! Bush. I know, get this, I was lying. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.