(Turtle Cove, USA) This just in as of 3 months ago: Turtles, Are They Too Slow? A new study shows that half of Americans can’t even tell you how fast an average turtle is putzing around. Most people will either tell you it’s surprising fast or surprisingly slow, but never guess it approximately. This means that the turtles have become too slow. We, as a nation, need to speed up our turtles. But, you know, after we figure out all the other stuff first. I will reiterate: this is not at all a priority.

When we get around to it, I think we should take suggestions from the local population on how best to speed em up. Some have already suggested attaching rocket packs to their shells, but this is far too dangerous for their pretty little souls. Turtles are very cute and I love them.

Another suggestion was to simply breed them with cheetahs, hoping that the average of their top speeds would equal a successful animal. It was not and thus it was swiftly rejected.

This is why my suggestion is to have someone shouting that they love them from the other end of the raceway. By using love to encourage them, they will not only be more fulfilled, but move faster as well. It was not taken well by the turtle board, but I have faith that I can change their minds.

Please sign my petition in Change.org and one day we might finally speed up those funny little bastards. Eventually.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who isn’t done yet! Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.