On Tuesday, lifestyle blogger and sometimes-Hollywood actor Gwyneth Paltrow let the world know about the newest thing she wants YOU to stick all up inside your lady bits: an Infinity Stone.
“I know what you must be thinking,” Paltrow wrote on her blog, “aren’t Infinity Stones supposed to be incredibly dangerous?”
We at Eritas have to admit, that was, indeed, one of the initial concerns.
“Well, fear not! In the words of the great Stan Lee, the only thing we have to fear is being a little scaredy cat!”
When asked for a comment, Lee said that he had no idea what Paltrow was talking about, but that “he would be just pleased as punch to be involved in any cameos Pepper may need for commercials.”
As much as we love and respect Lee, we decided to consult a medical professional on the matter before going all Buzzfeed and testing the new fad out ourselves.
“No. Absolutely not,” was all that our consulting doctor, who wishes to remain anonymous, had to say on Paltrow’s claims. “Space stones are not my specialty, but I can tell you that I saw Guardians of the Galaxy, and well, you saw what happened to Peter’s face after he held the stone. No, I cannot in good conscious suggest that any person go anywhere near those.”
Doctor Strange was not available for comment.
Paltrow claims that the stones are not only great for “glowing, radiant skin,” they are also great for “balancing out feminine energy,” “the most INTENSE kegels of your life,” and “potentially destroying every building within a five-mile radius.”
“You’ll never have to deal with those nasty menstrual cramps again!” Paltrow writes on her blog. “Plus, they come in so many LOVELY colors! My favorite, of course, is the purple one, but that’s just a personal preference.”
How do you get your hands on one of these stones?
“Well, since there are only a handful (no pun intended) of original Infinity Stones that we know of, I have contacted a third party about manufacturing substitute stones! They obviously won’t be as potent as the originals, but they will be available to the public at a greatly reduced price. They will be up for preorder starting next Wednesday, so make sure to pop back over to my blog then!”
Paltrow has added that these man-made stones will come in the original colors (orange, green, blue, yellow, red, and purple), but can also be purchased in patterned versions: Star-Spangled, Your Dad’s Hawaiian Shorts, Lucky Charms, and Unicorn Poop. They will run from $90 to $150.
This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who knows a thing or two about infinity stones AND being a woman, so I would trust her on this one. Follow her more on Twitter @MadMaggs21 or simply whisper your dreams into an oak hollow for similar results.