In a recent report issued by the United Feminist Federation, or UFF, there was an expose on a person living in Juniper Springs, MO, flaunting themselves as a so-called feminist. But here’s the thing, get this folks, he’s a man. That’s right. Even the writer of this well-authored report had to pause and marvel at the absolute gaul of such a pronouncement. Listen up, bud, you’ve got a world of hurt coming your way. 

For millennia, men have been oppressing women. Literally forever! You think that just because you read some Roxane Gay and studied up on your R. L. Stine, you can call yourself a feminist. Um, can you even name 5 Margaret Atwood albums? I didn’t think so. 

Don’t even get me started on these bros that think they know what’s what. You will never know, my guy, and that’s cool. Just know that you carry with you the burden of your forefathers. All of their skeletons are your skeletons. All of their crimes yours. Accepting this is the first step in putting on some pants and being a respectable human person. Welcome. 

Apparently, according to the UFF report, there have been a series of men masquerading as feminists across the nation. Some of them have been exposed, others are soon to follow. The worldwide goal of our organization will soon be fulfilled, but we can’t do that with all of these men in the way. 

No offense, but they just don’t know what they are doing.  

Don’t worry though, my sisters, my commune, my coven, we will prevail. We will overthrow the patriarchy and smash them to bits. We will tear down these arrogant men at the top of the world and build a new world from their bones. We will destroy the flesh that held us down and nothing will stop us. 

You think you can call yourself a feminist? You, a man? Huh. 

Okay, cool. Just make sure to mail in your membership fee before the 14th of next month. Thanks. 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who you can direct all of your comments to @ NPEllwood on Twitter and VoidChat.