Spoiler alert: it’s the moon’s fault. Curse you, oh mighty one, for bringing this plague upon us. We have received reports that area woman and marketing director Miriam Hippleschmidt has recently been doing some investigating, trying to figure out her feelings. In fact, just this week she has already Google searched the phrase “why am I so tired” three times and it’s only Monday! We, here at Eritas Daily, are very worried about Miriam and will be following her social media closely and relaying you the updates as she posts. Don’t worry, weary reader, we will get to the bottom of this.
Let’s start with the most obvious choice, Facebook. Even though Millennials all hate the ol’ Book, we’re all trapped in a weird vortex that will never free us, so we still use it. And Miriam is no different. I knew it. Look, according to her feed, she liked a picture of Drake Bell from a meme page titled Drop It Like It’s Thot. Who, in their clear, non-drowsy mind would ever do such a thing? Evidence two for my case. Three strikes and you’re out. I understand the law.
Next, we moved on to Instagram, a close second to the Black Mirror-ness of apps as Facebook, but still wild to say the least. She just posted a picture of her cat sleeping on her bookshelf with the caption “same.” I believe this is sufficient evidence to conclude that something is afoot and we need to approach her about this. I mean, Drake Bell? I’m still not over it.
Now, this next part will seem unconventional, but it’s a trick you can now add to your own sleeve. LinkedIn. Everyone is on it and no one knows why, but boy are they collecting data on us that they can use for who knows what! Thankfully, so can we, so we tracked Miriam’s LinkedIn as well. Does this sound crazy? Oh man. Maybe we have gone too far. Nonetheless, she applied for a job at a cupcake bakery and while this is adorable, it is also, as an incredibly successful woman, not something we saw coming.
This blasted moon! When will it let us be? You see, today is the full moon and every 28 days it sucks the life force from us and we do not have any choice but to comply. In return, the moon shines oh so bright and reminds us all of the Void. But this is 2018, aren’t we passed reminders? I don’t want to speak for the entire human race, but I am pretty sure the Void is on the top of the brain for most people.
Miriam needs to simply embrace the Void. That’s our advice for just about everything, but we think it really fits here. I hope you find this article in all of your searching and that you finally understand how to live a life untamed. Let no moon or man hold thee down!
This article was written by Nathan Smellwood, so get used to it. Follow him for more on Twittttter @NPEllwood.