(Billings, MT) Hello. My name is Roger Stomptruck. I am 57 years old. I have lived in the Montana region for most of my life. Other than a few years spent at Montana State University earning my bachelor’s degree, I have always called Billings home. In fact, I still live in the same house I grew up in, as I moved back in with my parents after college. Then, a few years ago they decided to buy a home in Florida and forget they have a son named Roger, so I bought it from their lawyer and have lived here ever since. I am here to tell you today about something I call the life changing magic of keeping everything you’ve ever owned forever until you die™ which is a methodology I have been working on my entire life.

You see, unlike the book by Marie Kondō, my method is much easier to perform and far more rewarding to the reader. You start with a pre-existing condition for shiny things and useless junk. This is easier for some older readers, as us or our parents were children of the depression and would save every little thing. I have so much leftover bacon grease in my barn, I think it might have gone full circle and come back to life!

Personally, my father collected stamps and my mother collected church bulletins, so I was born for a life of magic. I knew from a young age that organization and efficiency were deals with the devil. I understood that true magic could only come from hoarding piles and piles of material things, like the dragons of old and no other examples. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my living room surrounded by everything I had ever thought to buy or was given to me and I had a realization: I could make money off of this.

At first, I considered that TV show Hoarders, but that seemed to not be more making fun of the amount of stuff people had collected instead of appreciating it like I had come to. I realized that a book would be the best way to reach my target demographic. I began writing and I think I have cracked the code to creating true, real, magic.

Yes, I am talking about straight up Harry Potter stuff right now. I believe that the more things a person possesses, the more powerful that being becomes. I, personally, have the cluttered things of three people (myself and my parents), but I am only getting started. I plan to one day have an empire of things, of stuff, of hot Amazon deals gone bad. This book is just the beginning.

So please, buy it this May 31st and it can be the first thing that will become a mountain. Join me, hoarders, lovers of things. The world is ours, we must simply fill it.

And don’t forget to buy the book!

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who subscribes to more of the Miller method. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.