Hey Morrissey, Can You Cover My Shift This Weekend?


“Hey Morrissey! Don’t mean to bother you making the latte, but I was just curious if you could cover my shift this weekend? I have to go out of town last minute to conduct a spy mission for the intergalactic defense force and I figure you could use the extra hours on that next paycheck. I mean, you basically live here dude. I hope you don’t mind me asking, and if you’re busy it’s totally cool, but, well, I saw that you were living in your car. I actually made up the whole thing, but I still think you should cover my shift. So, what do you say, Steven?”


Originally composed by Emily Chang, this message has just been released by the worldwide media corporation. According to the attached memo, hard times have recently befallen the famed British crooner, leaving Morrissey to not only take up a job at a local Davyhulme coffee shop. The research went on further to claim that Morrissey has also been living out of his car for sometime and that his co-workers, although they collectively agree he is a dick, are trying their best to help him get on his feet.


“I just feel bad for the guy,” said barista and man Jim Stephens. “I even gave him my National Coffee Day shift, which is notoriously busy, just hoping he could earn some extra tips. Unfortunately, he was so flummoxed by the rush and his own general Morrissey-ness that he ended up losing money from all of the drinks he spilled. Can you even call that a life?”


“Wasn’t he pretty famous? Why is he working here? And why does he think he can keep stealing cup lids like we won’t notice? I don’t even know what he is doing with all of them or where they go.” Veronica Grover is apparently not a Smith’s fan.


“I didn’t mind it at first,” Gina Gold, coffee shop manager told us. “I mean we got a lot of press and new customers from him working here, but then we all realized it wasn’t just a quirky thing but he actually has no money. Where did all of it go? More like heaven knows I’m miserable now.”


“Yeah, well he ended up taking my shift, so I guess we’re cool,” concluded Emily Chang.


Still no word on those coffee cup lids, but this is a developing story.




This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who thinks most British people are just hilarious tbh. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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