Hey y’all, I’m sorry to bother you, but there is just something I need to talk about. It’s become a sort of elephant in the room, if you will, and I believe that the best course of action moving forward is completely open and honest transparency. It is with this preface that I must ask: could whoever is leaving vague threatening messages in my mirror after I shower please cut it out? I really need to shave and I simply can’t do that when I am shocked again by a ghostly scrawl across my reflection. I deserve better, so can you please, please stop?

I don’t feel like I am asking for too much here, if we’re being honest. I mean, first of all, how is this even happening? I can only think of a few options, each more terrifying than the last. The initial idea I had was that my twin sister Devon was leaving me messages, but she has been dead since 1982. I next thought it could be her ghost, or even, a random ghost, but I am pretty sure that ghosts can’t actively effect the world they inhabit, so that’s probably not likely.

Regardless of who is doing this, my next question is a simple one: Why? What have I done in this brief mortal misery to deserve such an odd and horrid message each time I try to remove my five o’clock shadow? I have an interview tomorrow and I must look my sharpest!

Now, please understand that when this first began happening a couple of weeks ago, I was more interested by the messages than scared. They started off simple enough, stuff like “No one will survive the Sun” and “Craters will be filled and the Moon will eat the Earth.” I thought that I might have been hallucinating, but as I wiped my hands across the mirror, the message was wiped away.

Soon, the messages became darker. Such examples include “The end is nigh” and “Protect yourself from the Forbidden One.” I have no idea what this means, but I can’t help but feel immense dread at all times.

The latest message merely stated “You will die on October 8th,” but didn’t specify the year. I guess that’s the optimist in me.

Just please stop. I beg you. Cut it out.

This article was written by the ghost of Nathan Ellwood, who loves you. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.