This Silicon Valley Start-Up Accidentally Reinvented The Wheel


(Silicon Valley, CA) Over the last decade or so, young entrepreneurs have been making headlines by ‘disrupting’ this and reinventing that. It seems at this point like almost everything has already been done. Or, so we thought. Let us tell you about the latest Silicon Valley start-up to throw their hat in the ring and give it the ol’ college try. What are they reinventing, you ask? Is it the education system? No. What about criminal justice reform? No. Ooh, how about the real estate industry? Are they going to disrupt that? No. In fact, these dumbasses just straight up reinvented the wheel and now their trying to sell America on it. This, I gotta see.


Founded by three broke college friends, NuWheel is the latest and greatest in wheel technology. This is, of course, according to their website. The three friends are as boring as they are forgettable, so let’s skip their intros and get straight to the wheels.


Apparently, people can just throw around the word ‘reinvent’ because they basically just put a wireless router in a tire. Again, according to their website, they are seeking to “add the wheels to the IoT family” and “use AI to make your driver safer and smarter.” Sure, that all sounds great, but how is that supposed make me drive better?


First of all, I am a damn good driver. Next of all, unless I can play my dank tunes through the wheels themselves, I don’t need all of this in my car. Thankfully, the website went on to explain that “the car will almost drive itself.” Which, again, sounds great, except for that word ‘almost.’ If I ‘almost’ land an airplane, I still didn’t land the airplane and lots of people probably died in the process, but you don’t see me bragging about it on my website. Oh wait, I guess I just did? Whoops.


Open further scrolling I discovered that their parent company Symple Machynes has pulled lots of bonkers stuff like this before. They have already attempted to disrupt molehills, rocks, the concept of time, the smoothie industry. So pretty much everything. I only hope for our sake that this one doesn’t succeed.


Could you imagine a little mr. robot going around hacking people’s cars? I don’t need that stress in my life. I already have that recurring nightmare about my car trying to eat me, I don’t need the threat of losing all control too. Especially if I am out Uber driving. Ain’t nobody messing with my Uber money.


So, in conclusion, Mr. Man. Which, of course by that I mean the people of NuWheel and Symple Machynes, I despise you. I can’t wait for the crumbling of the columns to begin, for them to come crashing down with only the blind fool that remains. Be warned, my friends, be warned.





This article was written by comrade Nathan Ellwood, who hopes you will follow him on his twitter bc he is all about his personal brand. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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