We are Garbage People Living on Garbage Island!


Every time I open up an Amazon package, I suppress the urge to scream. When I open up my prepackaged salad and have to dig through five layers of plastic, I almost lose my mind. Every day I am I surrounded by waste and every day I draw closer to oblivion. We are garbage people living on garbage people living on garbage island and that’s all I have to say on the matter.

Ok, actually it’s not. I have a lot more to say. Like, around 350 words more to be exact. How, as a society, have we gotten away with this for so long? When I was growing up, I never thought that I would be a garbage person and I never imagined that I lived on garbage island, but I was wrong the whole time. We have always been here, this has always been us.

Somehow, the cultural zeitgeist has made recycling and non-garbage behavior be seen as ‘nerdy’ and ‘dork shit.’ Unfortunately, this very same nerdy behavior is the only thing that stands between us and the edge of the void. I will not go back to the nothingness, I will not!

We have to make environmentalism cool again. We need more ‘hip’ scientists, and I mean real ones. We tried out the Elon Musk model and look where that got us. No, we need people that are dedicated to their craft and just happen to smoke clove cigarettes on the side or something. I am not sure what people consider cool anymore, but clove just seems cool. Correct me if I am wrong.


All I am really here to talk about is the fact that there is literally an island of garbage that we all live on and just accept it without a second thought. The garbage island, folks, is America.


That’s right, you heard me, I am not afraid to get political. I am afraid of spiders though. Just want to get that out there. But seriously, I mean, as a country, we really do the most, you know what I mean? In every regard. And I am kind of sick of it. Why can’t we just be chill like Brazil or Finland or something? I mean sure, they have their problems, but for the most part they seem to be happy.


Instead, I walk around every day and just meet more garbage people living their little recycled lives. Ugh. Not even, actually, they are fresh garbage. But, you know what? So am I. We are all just little garbage people running around garbage island and that’s ok. One day we’ll throw off our baggage and learn to spread our wings, but until then, I’m going to compost my leftovers. It’s something, ok?





This article was written by Nathan Ellwoooooood. Whoops, too many O’s. Too bad my keyboard’s backspace key is broken. Follow this schmuck for more on Twitter @NPEllwood. Also, to give credit where credit is due, please watch Broad City.


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