“It all started thanks to my favorite pastime of one-upping my rivals,” explains Jeff Bezos, being held aloft by four Amazon Prime Drones. “You see, my good friend Elon had just begun dating this young woman known as Grimes. Perhaps you have listened to her on Amazon Prime Music? Anyways, MacKenzie and I are well past our dating years, but we both agreed that our relationship could use a little bit of spicing up. Not even my post perfectly calibrated algorithms could have predicted our future. I mean, me, a humble billionaire, in a polyamorous relationship with Mot, the God of Death! We truly are living in a unique and wonderful time.”
What follows are excerpts from a three-way interview done by the throuple and sent to us completed unprompted. Enjoy!
“I think we really knew that this marriage was something so much more after we had the initial conversation,” continued MacKenzie. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jeff has been a distant and cold husband, but when I met Mot, I realized I had no idea what cold actually meant.”
“And you never will, not until the very end.” Mot thundered in a booming, gargling voice. “The True Cold is what will change you. You understand nothing, you filthy pigs.”
“We love you too, Mot!” both Jeff and MacKenzie yelled in unison.
“Tell them about our first date,” Jeff prompts to MacKenzie without skipping a beat.
“Oh, it’s so embarrassing. I mean, I may be married to the richest man in the world, but what do you wear to meet the God of Death themselves?” MacKenzie laughs a dry, mirthless guffaw. “I ended up going with Chanel, a pretty classic choice. Mot loved it.”
“Your material things will not save you when the time comes for the end of all things. Galaxies will be brought to nothing and you will beg me for your life. I will look down upon you and bring my entire might down in a sweeping rage to erase you from the earth. There is no hope, you fools, none to be found.” The sinister sneer could be read in between each word. Yet, for some reason, the other half of the throuple didn’t seem phased.
“We just hit it off, now we go everywhere together!” Jeff proclaimed.
“I am so much happier now! And colder, oh, so very cold.” MacKenzie announced.
“Prepare yourselves, for there is not much time left.” Concluded Mot.
What a cute story. I hope they stay together a long time.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been hoping to bring Baal into his marriage, if only for more rain. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.