(Odessa, TX) Over the last several years, due in part to the growing love of television shows such as Stranger Things and The X-Files, everyday Americans have become obsessed with cursed and/or haunted items. There have been several stores and brands that have tried to capitalize on this growing trend to varying degrees of success, but none more so than that of Cracker Barrel. Their secret? All of the items were already cursed, they can just sell them at a higher ticket price. With this article, we are going to highlight five of the best deals you can find at this old country store for less than 10 bucks that are sure to not only fill your need for cursed items or furniture, but of living a haunted life.
Item #1: A metal frog playing a banjo.
Often seen a gas stations and Temples of the Great One across the nation, the metal frogs playing banjos found at Cracker Barrels come with a little something extra. Not only is the banjo actually playable, but if you strum the first three strings at just the right frequency, you are teleported to a wooded area outside of Austin. Once you find yourself in this wooded area, be sure not to panic. You will soon be Found by the others and brought into their society. Soon, you will forget you even had a family. Isn’t that nice?
Item #2: A checker set that rattles when you lose
According to a study performed by University of Arizona Tempe, close to 87% of checker sets are haunted, cursed, or otherwise paranormally distorted. However, these particular checker sets are unique to Cracker Barrel due to the fact that they rattle whenever you lose. Although this has not been confirmed, scholars claim that upon the fifth rattle that you head, you are dissolved into a steamy goo. So, be careful, or just don’t lose.
Item #3: Badminton paddles made from human bones
The third item on our list is where things begin to get a little bit odd. Obviously, cursed items are a little bit odd to start with, but these are downright bizarre. Somehow only carried by Cracker Barrel, these badminton paddles seem to only show up on the winter and summer solstices, making them hard to find. That being said, they are largely sought after by professional badminton players, as, depending on the attributes of the bones they were once connected to, these paddles can provide health and performance bonuses that can make or break a career. If you happen to see one, make sure and snatch it before the Void finally takes them back.
Item #4: A barrel with a quaker man in it
Yes, you read that correctly. Participating Cracker Barrel stores actually sell a full barrel with a real, live* quaker man stuffed inside. If you are lucky, the curse he brings forth will only affect you and those you love, but the manufacturer has claimed that this is not a guarantee and the curse may have consequences you likely cannot even comprehend.
*I mean, probably
Item #5: Weasel ball toys
If you aren’t familiar with our final, most cursed and least expensive item, consider yourself blessed. Weasel ball toys are not exclusive to Cracker Barrel, and most folks who see them for sale end up running in the opposite direction, but somehow they always end up at your home. Be careful of the weasel ball toys. The house great power that will only be revealed once it is too late. Beware.
And that about does it. Be sure to get out there and get these great items before they are sold out! Remember, you can never have too many cursed items, just cursed memories.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been having a lot of feelings lately. Y’all remember those? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.