‘I Miss Getting to Spin the Big Letters’ by Vanna White


As the years have dragged on, there have become less and less pleasures that I find in everyday life. First, I lost the use of my bitter tastes buds and I was distraught. How can I appreciate the finer sweets and sours of this world without the little bitters? Next, I was robbed of my love for scuba diving when I was diagnosed with severe asthma, something that I have never fully recovered from. Finally, the last and most horrid thing that has been torn from me is the fun of turning letters instead of just touching a screen. I need the feeling of those spinning consonants and vowels against my skin. I need them.


This all started when Pat Sajak, the bastard who makes twice as much money as I do, suggested to our show-runner that he thought we should finally catch up with the rest of the world by going digital on our puzzle board. While I understand the obvious benefits, such as a more efficient system, I knew that I would miss the feeling of the letters and the joy that spinning them brought to me. Plus, I knew that Pat had been trying to get rid of me for years, and this was the perfect opportunity.


It took years of hard work and dedication just to save my job, but the damage had already been done. Instead of being in complete control of the flow and pacing of the game, I had become nothing more than a pretty face. Pat was the one who could make jokes and get cozy with contestants, meanwhile I was sitting there like an idiot touching letters that they already knew were going to show up on the other side of the room. Why was I even still around?


Over time, I began to realize that I was one of the first casualties in the war against artificial intelligence and robotic machines. The show started as a partnership, but it ended with me simply being a pawn in Pat’s game of shadows. What can I possibly do to regain the respect and leadership I have lost? Is there anything I can do?


Wheel has been my baby, just as much as his. I am asking you, the readers of this blog, to help me. I have both the longevity and intellect to take the game to new levels, but I need him gone to make that happen. Please, tell me how I can do this. Please. I need this.


I need those letters back.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is still waiting for someone to pay him to watch all 6,000+ episodes of Wheel of Fortune and review each one. Seriously. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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