Let’s face it: going on a Summer vacation isn’t a given like it used to be. The job market is on the low, wages are in the toilet, and there just aren’t as many options for people on a budget anymore. Until now! That’s right. Have y’all ever heard of this thing called astral projecting? Well I just discovered it and I am not it’s biggest evangelist. In fact, in the hopes of trying to help you save money this summer, I am going to help you astral project to six locations in lieu of actually going there on vacation. What a deal! Let’s get started.
1. The Omaha Zoo
First, in order to astral project, you must put your mind at ease. This can be quiet simple, just picture all of your worst anxieties and the white noise your brain will make in response is perfect for completely tuning out. Now, from this point, you will need to imagine yourself standing on concrete. Picture this in your mind. Now, once you feel the concrete beneath you, begin walking forward. Good. Ok, so just ahead of you is a metal railing, grasp it. There, just there. Yes, you’ve got it. Finally, picture the elephants in front of you. Doesn’t that feel better? Oh look, now there’s a giraffe. How at peace do you feel? Good. Vacation One complete. Feel free to explore the rest of the zoo at your leisure.
2. The Grand Canyon
Ok, let’s move on. But stay where you are. Now, hold onto that railing and instead of picturing the wonderful animals of the zoo, think of a large desert canyon-scape. Do you feel the heat against your skin? Are you wowed by the utter beauty of such a rare site on our planet? Good. Vacation Two is done. Now, hold onto your hats because this next one is gonna be a wee bit more intense.
Alright, now close your eyes again. And this time, keep them very closed. Really concentrate. Imagine a tree. Within this tree exists an entire universe. And the secret? It’s your universe. Yes, the one we are in right now. Nothing feels as good as understanding this, because you understand this tree is your salvation. This tree is the life you have been wanting. Embrace the tree. Embrace Yggdrasil. Vacation Three is done. Now, to Atlanta.
4. The George Aquarium
You know those 4D rides at theme parks where they splash you in the face with water? That’s the feeling you want to evoke. Now imagine yourself in a long blue hallway, a hallway full of people silently staring at each other and the ceiling intermittently. Now, on that ceiling, imagine the delights of the ocean. Fish, sharks, whales, the whole show. Breathe in the deep wonders of the cold dark sea and dwell on the fact that you are insignificant and alive. Sit in this feeling until the light fills you. Vacation Four is complete.
5. Jurassic Park
Now, if you have any sense at all, your mind will not have a hard time making the jump from deep ocean to dinosaurs, because we are taking things to a tropical island you know and love. Whose that? It’s the pterodactyls. Do you hear them screaming? Image running across that lush green grass, not a care in the world, even though the velociraptors are definitely right behind you. Vacation Five done.
6. Atop Mt. Doom
Finally, the trickiest one yet. Astral projecting is no joke and going somewhere this hot, this explosive, can always be tricky. Now, picture yourself in a sauna. Imagine the beads of sweat pouring down your face. Now, picture a ring on your finger. A ring with an explicable burden attached to it. A ring of power. Now cast thy ring into the fire. Yes, yes, that’s it. Pure bliss. The Eagles are coming. Well done. Vacation 6 complete.
And look at that, still time for brunch. Let’s hit up iHob and call this a wrap.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who went to a lot of zoos as a kid. Too many maybe. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.