Back in January, I wrote an article about the types of dudes you should always, always, always swipe left on (if you need a refresher course, it’s here my friends). Since then, I’ve garnered a bit more experience with internet dating (yippee kayak other buckets) and thusly have been able to put together a further list. So, without further ado, here are more guys to #justsayNO to in 2018:
1. The dude whose profile just begs the question: “Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?” Yes, we get it. You’re cultured, and have seen Pulp Fiction.
2. “Inquiries to my mum.” Could be a really sweet guy who loves his mum. Could be a giant man child who still doesn’t know how to do his own laundry. Are you willing to risk it? At this point … I know I’m not.
3. “Hi, my name is _____, I’m 19/20/21/etc., and I never learned how to fuckin’ read.” Out of all the vines in all the apps in the world, this is the one you’re quoting? This one? Really?
4. “Women are great!” I don’t mean to rain on your parade, dear reader, but this dude’s closet is FULL of fedoras. Each outfit he owns has an assigned, matching fedora. Some are probably plaid with a studded leather bands on them.
5. “Looking to make a mistake? Me too!” Points that would have been received for a small, healthy dose of self-deprecating humor are IMMEDIATELY revoked with the assumption that dating me would be a mistake. Boy bye.
6. The dude who flat out says he’s a fascist. Pretty clear indication to stay as far away as is physically possible.
7. The dude who bemoans the fact that you’ll probably just put him in the friendzone and then complain about other dudes who you didn’t also put in the friendzone to him. Because, you know, the friendzone is a thing. It’s not a construct of dudes who assume that the default for women is owing sex.
9. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. THE DUDE WHO PUTS “I’m 6’8”. Those are two different measurements” IN HIS PROFILE IS A HARD, HARD NO.
10. “When life gives you lemons 🍋🍋🍋 grab the tequila and the salt 🍸” FIRST of all you use LIMES with tequila and salt you MONSTER SECOND that’s a MARTINI emoji which is VODKA not TEQUILA
11. “I’m not here for a long time, I’m here for a good time.” Code for: I have at least one STD
12. The dude who is into CrossFit. Unless you want to hear about his high-protein diet or about how much harder he’s going to have to go at the gym after the two light beers he had while on y’all’s date … do yourself a favor and swipe left.
13. The dude who has nothing in his bio. Nothing in the bio = nothing to invest. Could, for all you know, be a Nazi.
14. The dude who has only an inspirational quote in his bio. Like … if I wanted that, I’d buy an annoying coffee mug.
15. The dude who has only an inspirational quote in his bio WITH NO ATTRIBUTION. This is plagiarism, and I for one will not stand for it.
Maggie, you might be asking, if you have all these rules, how do you ever get a date? My answer comes in the form of the immortal words of Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova: “I make loneliness work for me!”
This article was written by Maggie, who may have a date this Thursday with a cute guy from Tinder? She’s not too worried, because the odds that he is also a serial killer are really, really low. Follow her on Twitter @MadMaggs21