(Cleveland, OH) This is not a love story, even though they say Ohio is for lovers. I met her a little over a year ago at a friend’s concert. She was wearing a hoodie and standing in the corner the first time I saw her. Even though she was shaking as though convulsed, not a soul noticed her. That was when I fell deeply, deeply in love. We went back to my place after, but we never made it out of the car. We stayed up all night parked in front of my house, just talking. I knew I would never be the same. Little did I know that even this sweet moment would be a sign of the horror that was to come.

Over the next six or so months, we grew thick as thieves, a phrase which here means that we hung out in my 2003 Toyota Corolla a lot and took turns smoking cigarettes while listening to music. I thought that’s what love was back then. Oh what a fool I was. I was so infatuated, in fact, that one hot summer day we drove out to the nearby desert and I personally fought the sun for control of the cosmos. Once I had defeated that nasty celestial beast, I gave it to her. Imagine that, giving someone the sun. I had done the impossible for her and all she said was “Thanks.”

I should have known then that something was amiss. But as I have said before, I was indeed an oafish fool.

For the next few weeks, our spats began to expand into fights. I would feel indignant about how little she cared that I had stolen the sun for her while she would ride my ass for ever thinking she wanted anything but my Toyota Corolla. Things got so bad once in a Taco Bell parking lot that I ended up yelling, “You know what? If you love the Corolla so much, why don’t you just marry it?”

And you know what? She did. Out of spite, this woman that I had loved marched down to the county courthouse and eloped with my Toyota Corolla. Saying those words out loud it sounds implausible, but unfortunately for me it actually happened. It still puts me at a loss for words.

I gave her the sun, but all she wanted was my 2003 Toyota Corolla. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. I guess I should wish them the best, but nah. She broke my heart.

Good riddance.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, yep. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.