What follows is a letter we recently received from the celebrity couple Chip and Joanna Gaines, known for their television show Fixer Upper and hostile takeover of the Texas city of Waco. In this letter, they encourage visitors to enjoy what they have done with Waco, asking them to avoid judgment until they have seen the place for themselves. While all of this letter seems fine, the tone leads one to wonder what would befall them should they find themselves trapped in Waco. According to Chip and Joanna, they hope nothing bad happens to folks when they are in Waco. They would hate for that to happen.

 

Here is their letter:

 

Dear People of Earth, 

 

This is your friends, Chip and Joanna. But let’s be real, it’s me Joanna writing this letter because Chip is out chopping down a tree somewhere. I want to invite all of you to join us in Waco. We have spent so much time sprucing up this quirky little city and we want you all to see it. If you come, we hope that nothing terrible or awful happens to you. That would be horrible. We would hate for that to happen. 

 

For instance, if your car broke down and you couldn’t walk to the gas station, so you would have to hitch a ride. The first couple of cars slow to a roll but then pass on by. When the man in the large semi truck comes, you are so happy that he stops that you ignore the obvious warnings. You are driven to a truck stop and surrounded by the man and his friends, only to be tickled until you burst. We would hate for something like that to happen. 

 

Or maybe you are just having fun, meeting up with some friends at Magnolia, or Magnolia 2, or Magnolia 3: The Happening, and all of a sudden you feel a chill run down your spine. Did you remember to put the parking brake on? Waco has one hill and you parked on it, but it’s already too late. The car rolls down the hill and into the pastry shop you are sitting in. No one is hurt, but you will be paying off the expenses for the next 20 years. Wouldm’t that just be awful if that happened?

 

Or, worst of all, what if you never stopped in Waco at all? What if, despite the delicious treats and well-trimmed hedges that we offer you, you decided to keep on driving through? You would make it about 20 miles out of town, maybe, before you would be stopped by a cop. You would obey the policeman and he would put you in his car, leaving yours to rot. He would drive you back to Waco, a place you thought you were better than, to spend the rest of your days. Waco is your home now. Waco welcomes you. Would that be nice?

 

Remember friends, always stop. Always. 

 

The Gaines Family

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has nothing against Waco, really. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood