30 Phrases I’ve Screamed Out While Waking From This Week’s Relentless Night Terrors


The subconscious is a powerful thing, and it’s always at work. I most often dream of hail storms, sentient seahorses, and scattered Q-tips. No matter the subject matter, I wake up drowning in a river of my own making; doing the old man’s backstroke, if you catch my drift. I’m talking about sweat.

If you’re a mind reader, psychic, therapist, teacher, parent, or yoga instructor, and you somehow have an inkling of what these disruptive midnight musings might mean, let me know.

My deeply affected chinchilla and I would greatly appreciate it.

1. Take me with you!
2. That’s not my baby!
3. Meet me in Timbuktu!
4. Sexuality is a construct!
5. That flower shop’s mine!
6. Death by Slap Chop™!
7. What team? Wildcats!
8. That’s not my job!
9. It hurts to love!
10. Green light, red light!
11. Red rover, red rover!
12. Gweny, Gwen, Gwen!
13. The sun also rises!
14. Stop watering me!
15. She hates him to love hermself!
16. She sells seashells by the sea shore!
17. Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey!
18. What are cumquats?!
19. A plague upon both your dachshunds!
20. The bees — they’ve found me!
21. All I have are limes!
22. The turnip stocks have plummeted!
23. The koi pond’s clogged!
24. I don’t have that kind of dough!
25. No — not my grandmother’s weasel!
26. That can’t be the world’s last pear!
27. I was meant to design emojis!
28. What do you mean there’s no AC?
29. My magnolia brought the hurricane!
30. Give me back those pants!


This article was written by Holly Ratcliff who sleeps soundly knowing the void consumes all. Holly studied poetry at Texas State University. Her literary research is available through the Texas State Undergraduate Research Journal: “‘Too much water hast thou, poor Ophelia’: An Object-Oriented Reading of Hamlet.” Twitter/Instagram: @HollytheHare


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