How many salads have I eaten in my life? A million? No one can ever really know, but it’s probably up there. And I’ll admit, I bought into the hype a little bit. I have had my fair share of salads is all I am saying, and yet, this hole inside me still won’t go away. What is the deal with that? I feel like we, as a society, have been lied to about salad. Yes, I know, bombshell. But seriously, what even is it? Just greens, reds, and yellows if you ask me. I never enjoy it and the Void within, which is supposed to be alleviated by salad, still won’t leave. I ask, America, what is going to be done about salad?

I mean, it’s not just me, right? This hole is growing and nothing will stop it, I feel as if I am at my wit’s end. Everything from iceberg to romaine is driving me crazy, with no improvements to this gaping void. What can I do to fill it? Should I get into religion? Or Bitcoin? Because I was told salad would do it and it clearly hasn’t.

Salad has been pandered to us and shoved down our throats for millennium and I won’t have it. I mean, first of all, those little cherry tomatoes are the worst, I hate them. Next up, lettuce? It’s too much. I can’t get over it. God. I would go on, but I’m not getting paid by the letter like some colonial schmuck, I am the decider of my own fate, and I think we are gonna wrap this up in a paragraph or two.

So I started seeing a support group for people that felt disenfranchised by salad. It was such a wonderful group. We would play board games and talk about movies and should anyone mention the word salad, we would crush them into a fine mist. It was here that I learned that the hole comes for us all. The gaping Void will not be satiated by some leafy greens. Nay, when nothing is the opponent, it is impossible to win.

I demand that all salad be reviewed by an independent group of critics that rates it on a wide selection of different qualities, most importantly, hole filling. I will not rest until I am made whole again and the chains that bind me have been broken clean off. I am the revelation, I am the doomsayers. Say goodbye to salad and hello to a better you. Embrace it. You’re almost there.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a straight up ghoul, baby. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.