Hello there. Such a familiar greeting, isn’t it? But I suppose we haven’t met yet. That’s fine. There will be plenty of time for us to get to know each other. Let’s focus on you. How have you been? How’s work? Have you been sitting there, sleepless night after sleepless night, just hoping that you could find something different and new that would finally excite you again? Yeah, we thought so. It’s OK bud, we’re here to help you. You know us, we’re The System, and we’re going to make sure you get through this. Are you ready? Take my hand.
Where should we start? Oh, you thought I was going to lead you? No, of course not you fool. I will guide you, yes of course, but I will not be the master and commander. In order to truly affect change in your life in a truly positive way, you have to want it more than anyone else. If I am the only reason you are doing something, you aren’t doing it for yourself anymore and the experience is worthless.
See, that is lesson one: True Change must come from within. We discovered that by searching all known databases and for philosophical quotes and essentially boiled them down to those components, so we’re sticking to it. Lesson two: don’t believe everything we tell you. Gotta keep you on your toes.
Now, for the next part of The Process, we need to download your brain into The System. I know, this sounds like an invasive thing, but really it’s not. You’ll be asleep the whole time anyway. Once we download your brain, you will be moved to one of our Tubes of Regeneration to recover any lost cells from the procedure. Then, The System will analyze every single thing about your life until it finds the best path forward for the True You. Once this is done, your brain is restored and you can go on your merry way, with the idea secretly incepted within you to complete your destiny.
Pretty sweet, right? Well, if you’re interested, come down to our research center and we’ll get you all set up.
The address is 5̶͇̟̬̒̐5̸̧̮͍̲͓̗̱̭̹̳͓̯͗͗̈́5̴̨̲̝̲̲̘͖͛͘͜͝͠ ̴̧̮͖̥̝͑͆͊͒̂L̸̮͉͚̞̀̽̅͆̌͑̊̈́̓̓̑͊̚͝l̵̢͕͇̱͙̇́̋͊͊͜͝ͅj̴̙̖̣̬̭̲͈̱͆̆̂̌͛̿̽̃͠͝k̶̡̡͖̯̹̱͍͍͙̻̙͖̻̦̙̓̌̾̀͌f̶̳͈͎̃͂̇̇͒̀̊͋͗̕d̶̡̖̘̼̩͐̉͑͘͜͝ͅs̷̛̗̥͎̣̠̙̳̙͈͎̀̑͐̈͆̐̔͊̒͌͝ ̸͈̗̼̙̹̖͙͕͇͖͙̳̐̎̾͗͝Ḷ̷̺̠͇͍̗̤̮͑͂̓̏́̕͝ȟ̶̢̛̛̼̰͉͓̬̣̪̻͈̺̰͇̀̈́͊̑̏̂̏̚̕͜͝͠h̷̦̺͓̬̫̖͍̺̱̯̩͍͙̍͜g̷̥͊e̶̼̮͔͈̫̬̦̝̮̗͎͙̼̎̀͂̍͑̽̌̍͋̎͘,̸̡̨̛̳̯͕̖̻͔̰̗͌̾͋̂̎̈́̈́̂̋̌͑͂͑͝ͅ ̴͔̱̅D̷̻̭̠̼͎̭̭͓͍̼͓̗̱͚̒͆̊͜͝l̴͍̞̭̖̥̭̟͕̤̦̙̮̽̓̍͐̽̈́̂̀͗̓̚͜ͅͅs̸̨̭͈̰͈̥̞̼͔͔̺͌̑̎̀͋͜d̶̨͔̘̭̖͙̃̽̌̓͐͠f̵̛̑̎͒̂̑ͅs̷̯͇͙͈̼̦͕̖̼̳̝̈͛͆̊̐́,̴̡͖̤̫̝̭̩̦͚̳̏̍͠ ̶̯͊͗̐͑̈͋̀̃̌͊̍̀͘͝ţ̶̻̳̮͎̺̯̖̗̠̭͓͙̯͗͒̉̌̍͌̓̄̌͐̆̕͜͠f̶̢̢̺͕̝̼̠͖͓͙̎̎̎̊̏̔̀́̒͒͝͠ͅg̸͈̝̯̭͕̖͆̓̌̄͐͆̈́͗̿̌͌̕̚͠ḫ̸͍͂̓ ̴̛̩̬̪̩̗̭̱̄̈́̀̃́͒͒7̵̨̤̪̭͎̭͙̪̲̀͑̈́͋̓̈́̍̊̀͊̈́̀̾͝͠5̵̤̝̻̻̻͍̬̮͎̊͝0̵̲̱̮̥̎̎7̸̧̋͂̉̈́̒͘͝5̸̜̳̩̜̆͐̿̇̿́͑̉́́͋̂͝. Hope to see you there!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood around the time he was born, only 24 years removed. Follow him for more on Twitttttter @NPEllwood.