WHAT’S IN THE BOX? Our 10 Best Guesses as to What is in the Unopened Egyptian Sarcophagus


Unless you are the mummy inside of the super rad black sarcophagus that’s just recently been discovered, you’ve by now likely heard about the spooky big boy that’s just recently been discovered.

Which means you probably are aware of the intent to open said cadaver casket.

Of course, everyone wants to guess what – or who – is inside of the fancy body boat. According to National Geographic, it could even be Alexander the Great. But hey, where’s the fun in such an … obvious … guess? With that in mind, readers, I submit to you my top ten predictions for WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!

  1. Ancient sheet music. Turns out, “Wonderwall” wasn’t an original piece.
  2. The body of the first recorded incel. He died as he lived – lonely.
  3. Mike Pence’s moral compass.  
  4. Human-sized Cards Against Humanity cards. Turns out, this is just a really elaborate fundraiser put on by the game makers.
  5. A Black Flame Candle, made from the fat of a hanged man, which, if lit by a virgin on Halloween during a full moon, can raise the Sanderson Sisters from the dead.
  6. Kramer.
  7. A well-written plot for Tom Cruise’s The Mummy.
  8. A picture of Carrie Fisher lovingly flipping us all off.
  9. All those chickens!
  10. A mummy. I guess.

This piece was written originally in hieroglyphics by Maggie. She’d like to thank Pete and Alexia for helping her out with those last few. If you want to help her pay for her librarian degree so that she can be the next Evelyn Carnahan, hit her up on Twitter @MadMaggs21.

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