1. Don’t.

2. No really, it’s not too late, save yourself.

3. I hear candle vlogging is all the rage, take that up instead.

4. Become a Russian spy: you already have experience sabotaging your own life, how hard could it be.

5. Sew yourself a snazzy costume and take to the streets to fight crime instead. If you don’t have a tragic past, store-bought is fine.

6. Have you considered transforming into a tree? Perhaps a nice oak, or something more low maintenance like a cactus, because staying hydrated is such an effort.

7. Literally just climb inside the black sarcophagus of doom; the skeletons are your new family now.

This article was written by the woman of many names, Alexia Labougie. This is her first article for us, so send our resident multi-lingual Belgian-Irish-American-ish princesse some grá over at @alabouverie. Also, Neil Gaiman, if you’re out there, she thinks you’re really cool and is writing about you and American Gods and liminal spaces for her dissertation. Drop her a line if you have a moment?