10 Useful Uses for the Mysterious Sarcophagus Juices


Well, turns out the contents of the big boy was three skeletons and a lot of red sewagy goop. Of course, because people are … interesting, there’s a petition to let people drink the sweet, sweet mummy nectar. But why drink it when you can do so many fun things with it?! So, without further ado, we humbly submit our suggestions for the best uses for the Skele-Gro:


1. Mix with rum and crushed ice for a fun summer cocktail!


2. Water your crops, clear you skin, and feed your children!


3. Mix that bone juice into your protein shakes!


4. Distill into a new, limited edition celebrity perfume! Sell exclusively at Costco.


5. Market to InfoWars fans to combat military grade gay bombs!


6. Market to zoos to un-gay their InfoWars gay frogs!


7. Give it to Kylie to sell so she can use the proceeds to officially be a self-made billionaire.


8. Inject directly into face for that youthful glow!




10. Sell to teenage vapers in SoCal. Tell them it’s bubblegum flavored or something.




This was a collaborative piece from Alexia and Maggie, who want nothing more than for people to not drink the weird mummy marinade. Hit them up on Twitter at @alabouverie and @MadMaggs21.


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