NEW BIRD ALERT: New bird! Alert! We have just discovered that in the year of our lord, 2018, the scientific community has discovered a brand new type of bird. The whenua hou diving petrel also known as pelecanoides whenuahouensis, because why not? is in fact, the newest bird in existence. Due to the monumental nature of this discovery, we are issuing a void-wide news bulletin to tell everyone about our new little friend and welcome the diving petrel into this godforsaken world it has entered. New bird!

As is tradition when a new bird is found, their have been mass riots in the streets and a state of emergency has been declared for the entire country. Obviously we are all just panicking because we don’t know how to express our excitement, but come on folks, let’s tone it down a little bit. I’m as excited as the next slimeman, but we need to remember who we are and not fall to the wayside. There is still a war to come.

On top of the wildness in the streets, we regret to inform you that there has also been bamboozlement in the sheets. Beings all across the globe are reporting that the unveiling of a new bird has forced them into an unforeseen existential crisis. People had no idea how small and yet so large we are in this universe. While most of us have already gone through getting over this at some point in our lives, this has apparently been a record high breaking moment.

Yet another report claims that the moon heard that we had a new species of bird and tried to lean its head in closer to see. When it came in closer, the tides were thrown into a frenzy and a large percent of land became covered by the sea. We apologize if you live in Hawaii, because now you don’t.

Who knew that the simple act of announcing a new bird would have such serious implications on the world at large? Oh god, we were such fools. We should have known!

I was always told “The Bird Will Work!” but that just isn’t true.

Life is a lie.

New bird!

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who regrets it. Follow him for more on Twitter at NPEllwood.