A couple of weeks ago, I went out with a group of friends to a casual Wine & Dine in my neighborhood, looking forward to a night of laughs and pleasant memories. As we all sat down, it was fun to observe what each person in the friend group was wearing. Dylan had on his classic button down look. Harriet was rocking a rad bomber’s jacket. And Chai wore a full on tux. We were just settling in, when a waiter came over and asked us what we wanted. While one half of the table ordered, our half fussed over if we wanted an appetizer or not. Finally, not really thinking about it, as all similar orders have been made before, we ended up ordering the charcuterie board.
Looking back, it seemed so simple. Such an easy, nothing decision. Little did we realize what was at stake or what would come to pass over the course of our short time at the French Cowboy.
While our waiter was off gathering our orders and doing blow in the bathroom, the rest of us settled in and began discussing each others lives. Julie was getting back into nepotism. Julianne was picking up screaming for the first time. And Julie Andrews is wonderful and lovely as always. God bless her. It was just as Horacio was telling us about his new ant collection, really getting to the good stuff, when we were interrupted by the waitress with the charcuterie board. Rudely.
“Hello and welcome to the French Cowboy,” she said, setting down the charcuterie board in front of us. “I am so glad you guys ordered this, it’s one of my favorites. As you can see, we have here prosciutto, dry-cured sausage, edible bone marrow, cheese of the ghoul, elbow grease, olives, cashews, water crackers, the soul of the man who loves me, four types of cheeses, and a smittering of ground teeth. Hope you guys like it!”
At first, I thought everyone realized how weird this charcuterie spread was. But then, they started just picking up the different items and tossing them down their gob. Gjinetto put some of the teeth on his cheese of the ghoul. Gloria scooped up the edible bone marrow with a water cracker. And Gameboy straight up ate the entirety of the soul of the man who loves me. What a complete savage.
I knew that most of what the waiter has said must have been made up, but as an American I was told to always follow peer pressure and do what the cool kids do, so I grabbed some elbow grease and made do. It was awful, but everyone seemed to be fine with it, so I grinned through the pain. The horrible, terrible pain.
God help us all. The charcuteries will be the death of us.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves cheese, but it’s complicated. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.