Summer 2018 has elicited a litany of different reactions from people across the country. With phrases like “what the shit is this?” to “why are my shoes melting on the pavement?” it’s pretty clear that we’ve had a doozy of a summer.

People point to global warming (let’s face it, “climate change” ain’t cutting it for me in this situation) caused by increased carbon dioxide from fossil fuels as the main cause, with many leading scientists going on record as having said “um, yeah.” I’m here to provide a simpler answer: the goddamn sun. Want to stop the world from warming? We must rid ourselves of that pesky star.

Listen, I get it. Winter can suck too.  But studies have shown that over time, if you stop acting like a baby when it’s cold and put on another shirt or heavier jacket, your body will heat up. Isn’t that accomplishing what you want in the summertime, you heathens?

Anyway, at the risk of getting heated (I’ll stop), it all boils (dammit) down to a few simple truths: being sweaty sucks, fall and winter have better holidays and angels are a lot more fun to make in the ground with snow rather than dirt. Not convinced? There are more reasons why we should endorse that the sun gets put behind perpetual blinders:

• Gone are the days of burning your tongue on coffee while you burn your skin as well
• Alcohol warms your blood: fact
• The scarf you’ve worn maybe five times will be free from the pile of clothes in your closet
• Instagram celebrities will maybe get real goddamn jobs

So how are we going to do this? Maybe it’s the fact that I have a headache from the ongoing sound of my A/C constantly running that’s keeping me from coming up with ideas. Until then, I’ll get to work on a GoFundMe to send a giant ice cube up there. Or reach out to Elon Musk on Twitter or something. Please tell me summer will end.

This article was written by Phil, who will one day follow his heart and become a minipig farmer. Follow him on Insta @fillupjayfry for fresh looks and deep wonderings on time.