(Austin, TX) Police received a shocking call this Tuesday afternoon when a local girl was found buried under a pile of random objects in the closet of a Hyde Park home. Her roommates, who were obviously the first suspects, have gone on record swearing it wasn’t them. When asked who might want to do local girl harm, they stated, “Uh, we’re pretty sure it was the closet poltergeist. He’s been territorial in the past.”
While the claim may seem ludicrous, an Eritas Daily fact-checker checked the facts with Dr. Daemon Fuchs, a specialist in supernatural deaths. “Closet poltergeists are definitely real,” he said. “We usually get reports of poltergeisty activity around Halloween or Christmas, when people realize their decorations aren’t where they left them.” When asked if he had any advice for the public, he said, “Try to minimize your presence in the closet. Honestly, just stuff your shit in there as fast as possible and get the hell out.”
Local girl definitely could have used that advice before trying to organize what was clearly a gateway to hell. Her roommates described her as “a neat freak,” “obsessed with labeling,” and “not the best at letting things go.” Still, they said they’ll probably hold a vigil in her honor. Although, to be clear, she is fine, just need a little dusting off.
Whether the closet will ever be functional remains unclear.
This article was written by Breph Stynes, a local girl.