Has this ever happened to you? It’s been a busy Thursday and you are sitting down after a long day of sitting down somewhere else. You have been working hard all week on this spreadsheet and you can’t wait for it to be the weekend so you can stare blankly at the wall until the Sunday panic sets in, and then you’re back to it. In order to take the edge off this nightmare you call life, you decide to crack open a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and enjoy your evening browsing the Internet and intermittently screaming to get the badness out. Three hours later, you wake up to a scattering of Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottles and an iPad open to an online clone retailer. This is when you must remember: don’t panic, you have trained for this.
Here is what to do next time this happens to you.
Step one: check your browsing history. Since this isn’t your first time ordering a clone, you will have likely gone for the advanced model and maxed out your credit cards almost immediately. While you could call to have them cancelled, this would be the third time this month, and that’s just embarrassing. Make sure that you got the clone with the self destruct function and move to step two.
Step two: begin preparing your house for the arrival of your clone. Think Home Alone. Your clone’s first and only instinct when you put in the request is to find you and immediately kill you, making them not a clone but the singularity. It is up to you to defend yourself from yourself by any means necessary. Prepare for the fight of your life.
Step three: write a note to your clone. You never know what the outcome of this interaction will be, so one should always play things safe. Be honest with your clone. They are technically now you, so if there is anything you find particularly ‘you’ be sure to let them know. While it will be up to them whether or not to honor your request is completely up to them, but you should at the very least make your wishes known.
Step four: pray to whatever deity or goddess you find yourself calling to and believe with your whole heart that things will work out. I am sure that will definitely help.
Step five: well, there actually isn’t more than that. You know yourself best, so any further strategy you need is already within you. It’s up to you to find it.
Good luck! Your clone will be here in 3… 2… 1…
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who went to college, not to brag. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.