Report: The Buses are Screaming


(Woodinville, WA) Nothing prepared Seattle for the coming storm, for nothing could have prepared them even with a fair warning. It was early Saturday morning when the first sounds of distress were heard. Leslie Nelson was washing his front lawn and enjoying the dusk of a new day when he heard a loud screaming that he later described as ‘haunting.’ Unsure of if someone was in trouble, he went running to find the source, but when he rounded the block he was simply met by a city bus staring him down. Although he couldn’t see where it was coming for exactly, he knew that the bus was the one screaming. Soon, the entire city would be drowned in the noise of the screaming buses.


Over the next 2 days, there was constant chaos and terror as the surrounding area exploded in sound and all civic facilities and systems came to a grinding halt. For one thing, the noise was distracting and confusing, but for another, these buses seemed to slowly be going rogue. As the screaming continued, isolated buses were driving themselves into public lakes and swimming areas with the buses drivers diving out moments before they crashed. It was like Speed 3 out there (god please make that movie), but our savior was coming.


A lone wolf, later identified as Hero Locale, an area kid, decided to take fate into his own hands. Without consulting authorities or municipal government workers, Hero used his slightly above average hearing to track down every last bus and put it out of it’s misery. He did this with an efficiency still incomprehensible to most experts. With each bus that he struck down, our community could breathe a sign of relief for vanquished another foe.


The greater Seattle area will always remember the brave work of Hero Locale and his dedication to living in a quieter and more together community. As the screams of these terrible buses began to die down, a chorus of joyous citizens broke out. Once the final bus had been destroyed, these citizens came together in a style reminiscent of Rudy and carrying the local hero to his favorite establishment Buffalo Wild Wings and partied til the sun came up.


Unfortunately, everyone then realized that they had spent the whole weekend simply destroying their public transit and needed to get into work as soon as possible. What a pickle.


Good luck with all that!





This was written by Nathan Ellwood, make of that what you will. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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