(Waco, TX) “Oh god. It’s spreading.” We bring you a breaking news report from right here in Waco, TX. Just hours ago, an unprecedented hellmouth opened on the outskirts of town. This marks a second hellmouth opening in just the last few months and with the recent opening in San Diego, scientists are alarmed to say the least. “I never thought I would see this in my lifetime,” explained one scared scientist we saw running from the hellmouth opening. “Hell is coming here and there is nothing we can do.” Damning words, but what do scientists know? Let’s see what the rest of the community thinks about all of this.

 

(Daniel, 33) While I have been saying that we should do something cool with the outskirts of town, this isn’t exactly what I meant. I was hoping for like a Go-Kart track or a killing field or something, but I guess a hellmouth will do.

 

(Jonesy, 55) Boys, the time is now. We have been praying and training and waiting for this moment. Get your guns and meet me at the hellmouth basecamp. We’re taking this fight straight to the devil himself.

 

(Bean, 13) This is the first interesting thing that has ever happened to me.

 

(Brayden, 24) I just love living here and going to Baylor University (Go Bears!) I would hate for something awful to happen to this beloved Texas university, full of hope for the world. That would just terrible.

 

(Leslie, 40) You know, I’m getting sick and tired of this shit. Everything keeps happening so much and I just want it to end, whether by hellmouth or some other horror. I don’t care.

 

(Chip & Joanna, Immortal) We just hope this doesn’t effect Magnolia’s sales, but our marketing team thinks it will actually boost them. Either way, we’re here to stay.

 

Not so open and shut, huh?

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who went to the moon and found nothing but rock. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.