Breaking News: a hellmouth has opened in downtown San Diego. First responders have already come in from the surrounding area and they have all subsequently fallen into the hellmouth. Second responders have been slightly more cautious and are currently on the edge of the hellmouth. While this story is developing, here is everything we know so far.
First, what is a hellmouth? A hellmouth is an entrance to hell envisaged as the gaping mouth of a huge monster. Yeah, not so great. This particular hellmouth belongs to the demon know as Gurjeblor and he is apparently very angry with the latest news coming out of the San Diego Zoo.
Some background on this: the zoo recently made a statement that they would stop their walrus therapy program. Apparently, being famous walri is very anxiety-inducing and these walruses need therapy. However, there have been recent budget cuts and this is considered a luxury by some, so it went out with the trash.
This does not sit well with Gurjeblor. He has declared that nothing will stand in the way of him and those walri. He is going to adopt all of them and bring them to hell with him in order to save them from this therapy-less world. The San Diego Zoo obviously does not care for them. Gurjeblor will.
Unfortunately, once he retreated into the hellmouth, no one is sure what he did next. He has not been seen in days and yet the hellmouth remains.
Stay classy, San Diego. And remember, avoid the main freeways, as they have been swallowed whole.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants you to know this is the 400th post on this site. Wow. follow this dude for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.