Area 4th Grader Runs Out of Funny Things to Say 10% Through Helium Balloon


(The Burbs, USA) Oh no. It appears as if this party is about to hit a low point. Area 4th grader and professional Fortnite player Billy Groban has found that one of the helium balloons has a hole in it and things have already been moving quickly. Children have gathered around and are beginning to pass the balloons around. As the kid who found the hole first, Billy is given the honor of breathing in the delicious gas before the others. As he takes a deep plunge, he suddenly realizes that he only has one funny thing to say. He realized that his friends and classmates were going to be so disappointed in him. It was at this moment exactly that he experienced his very first panic attack.


“Oh god oh god oh god oh god OH GOD,” Billy thought to himself. “This is the worst thing that has ever happened.” While he was obviously incorrect, his frame of reference was limited and it sure seemed this way to the young man. He tried to tell his silly joke, but nothing came out. His throat was completely dry. Oh drats!


Others had begun to notice and were now less patient in their waiting for their hit off the balloon. I mean, kids these days have so much content and entertainment at their fingertips, when they get the chance to suck some weird air into their mouths to make a fool of themselves, they jump at it.


Disappointed, Billy passed the balloon to the kid next to him, Judy Bench. Judy was his nemesis and main rival for the role of class clown. Right away, she floored everyone with her perfect joke and even got another off before the effects had left her system. It appeared as if this round belonged to her. Well played.


Billy returned to his family after the party and regaled them with stories of a fun time had by all, but in his heart he knew he didn’t mean it. He had always seen himself one way, but in the span of a few hours, his entire worldview had been torn to shreds. What a bummer. What a hellscape. What a life.


I guess he’ll just have to get used to it.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who doesn’t actually believe in fourth grade, so please stop asking about it. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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