Hi, it’s me. But, I guess you already knew that. It feels nice just being able to address each other plainly. I guess, if you don’t already know, I am the one you have been fearing. My name is Jacque and I am the ghoul who lives in the shadows of your home. First, I would like to say that you make my job very difficult because you keep a well lit house. I get it, they didn’t build in enough natural sunlight, but that doesn’t mean you electric bill has to be so high. I’m sorry, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. Let’s move past the initial shock of the fact that a ghoul has been living in your home for some time and instead talk about an exciting business opportunity I have been wanting to talk with you about.

So, by now you have heard that kids are really into slime. You know, like gooey stuff that is made from some sort of alien material we don’t truly understand that 5th-8th graders like to play with in their hands? You know, that stuff. I think that this is going to be the next big thing and I think it makes logical sense that the next thing kids will want to get their hands on is sludge. If we can get ahead of the oncoming sludge wave, I think we could find ourselves trudging through some money.

Now, first question you obviously have is what is the difference between sludge and slime? I’m glad you asked. While slime comes from beyond the stars and is made completely of other-worldly materials, sludge on the other hand comes from deep within the Earth. This is the biggest problem that getting into the sludge business presents, as we will need to find a way to bring sludge to the surface and mass distribute it.

Thankfully, I have been thinking about this for a few minutes and have already come up with a solution: Miners. You see, miners aren’t interested in the dirty sludge they find beneath the Earth, they are looking for precious jewels and gems. If we can enter into an agreement with a local mining operation somewhere, we could get more than enough sludge to fill our demand.

What demand, you ask? Oh, there will be demand. Just wait until we launch our new ad campaign and give slime a run for it’s money. We’re coming for you.

So, yeah, mull it over, talk with your significant other, have a dialogue, and get back to me. You know where to find me. (the shadows).

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last gumdrop. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.