(Rat Sewer C, NY) This a public service announcement from me, the person writing this, about something I believe everyone should know about my life. I don’t open up much about this, but it has been sitting on my chest for months and I finally need to get it out. Listen to this, and listen close: I never want to be stuck in any sort of sewer or tube or small space. You can call it claustrophobia or whatever, but I am telling you right now that none of those places are for me. So, don’t even try it. I’m highly serious.

I believe it was earlier this year that I first discovered my disdain for tubes, pipes, and chutes. I was watching a documentary I found on this obscure website about the dangers lurking in our sewer system and my eyes were opened to the horrors that are hiding in my own neighborhood. I decided to do some investigative journalism and went down to the sewers nearby to see for myself. After walking only a few meters into the tunnel, I immediately began to panic. The light was getting dimmer and my fear was growing.

A long, slender hand began creeping out into the near-dark, reaching closer toward me inch by inch. I let out a long, slender scream in response and instantly passed out. When I woke up, I was back at my house doing dishes. I don’t know what happened in the 17 minutes in between those two memories. It was literally the worst time of my life.

So, all that to say, if any one of you ever tries to “prank” me with anything related to a pipe or a duct or a cannula, I am going to lose it. Like, seriously, I may not recover. So please don’t.

Please.

I have been having nightmares about sewers for longer than I can remember. I just want it to end.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves the sewer! Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.