(Waco, TX) Last week, we had the burden of bringing you the news about a hellmouth that had opened on the outskirts of Waco and today we are troubled to bring you another update to the story. Baylor University has now completely succumbed and the entirety of campus has been swallowed by the growing hellmouth. Thankfully, hellmouths are notoriously slow, ‘like molasses’ as described by one scientist, so the entire college had been evacuated before anything tragic could happen. Unfortunately, there were several things that accidentally fell into the gaping maw.
Among the items reclaimed by the abyss were the following: 5 Baylor Bear mascot suits, 40 Chip Gaines Wild Comedy Show raffle tickets, the rats of Baylor, 3 accounting majors, and a pair of turtle doves that were flying through and got caught in the heat vortex. Thankfully, none of that was too important.
At this point, the authorities are considering leaving Waco to it’s hellbound fate. After all, when you are directly above Hades itself, these things just happen. The hellmouth comes for what the hellmouth demands.
You want to know how it all went down? I’ll tell you. It started with that hellmouth on the outskirts of town, but then the lightning began. The worst part was that there was no thunder, no noise at all. Just lightning coming down from the sky with no warning whatsoever. This began several fires, but before those could even be put out the hellmouth had made its way up the lawn and the consumed the Armstrong Browning Library.
Then the lava rocks began to fall, crushing everything that wasn’t already plunging down the throat of this horrible, unnatural beast. It was chaos. It was bliss. I had no idea life could be like this. I’ve never been so afraid.
More updates on the hellmouth, hopefully with some good news next time.
Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood. The man who wrote this. He is a cancer and loves the moon.