I’m no longer living in the Baylor bubble or the Magnolia bubble or anything so cutesy as that. Waco has descended into a hellmouth and our leaders have abandoned us. After Baylor fell, we all knew that it was only a matter of time before we would be left to our fates by those with any power to change this. Most notoriously, Chip and Joanna Gaines have not been seen since the original hellmouth opened outside the city. Where are they? Have they not made a life for themselves in our fair city? Their silence on this issue is deafening and I for one will not forget or forgive them for it.
Where were they when the fountains fell? Where were they when I-35 was eaten by the flames of hell? Where were they? I have heard rumors that just minutes after the announcement was made through the newly installed emergency broadcast system that Chip and Joanna with family in tow were seen fleeing the scene in a Chevy Tahoe. Now, they are nowhere to be found.
Have you abandoned us, Chip and Joanna? Have you abandoned us, God?
I am pledging right now to climb up to the summit of Mt. Waco and wait until the Gaines’ are brave enough to come and formally apologize to me and greater Waco area for the silence, and therefor complicity, with the hellmouth. If they don’t care whether we live or die, they do not deserve to fix our homes and give us open floor plans to enjoy. No. They need us more than we need them.
You know what? We were doing just fine before those pretentious Jesus hipsters walked into our town and put us on blast to the nation, OK? My house was doing fine, but now that it is in between two houses that have been on the show, no one wants anything to do with my 3 bedroom 2 bath. Not in this economy.
Chip, Joanna, if you are reading this, I want you to know that you have ruined my life. I’ll never be the same. In fact, I don’t think anyone from this town ever will be again. All I can hope is that the hellmouth will not be as silent as you have been. All I can hope is that it swallows you whole.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has seen the hellmouth first hand and knows it is no joke. Follow him if you wish @NPEllwood.