To whom it may concern (HR department? Idk), I have just about had it. I try to do my best at this job, OK? I want to be an adult with a 40 hour job and then spend my weekends and evenings trekking the void. I had no idea I would hate everything. No one told me. And then I have to deal with Tyler, literally the worst person at this company, who won’t stop sending me these damn haiku poems that he writes. I hate them so much. I am writing this open letter to everything in the company, asking, begging, to somehow stop Tyler from sending out his damn poetry. I am losing my mind.

Listen, I get it, OK? Tyler is just one of those kind of weird people that you work with but don’t really think about outside of work. He may be into some freaky stuff, but I’m not going to hold that against him. Who isn’t? And I am fine with that stuff when all he is is the slacker we blame everything on, but now I have to read his poetry. I don’t even read my friend’s poetry, much less my co-workers.

And I get that he is edgy and cool and that people are into brooding bad boys or whatever, but can we talk about office attire? Tyler is always walking in here with his shirt untucked and his eye blackened. What does he even do in his off time? Seems like he has found a void of his own, just a far more violent one.

I worry about him, I do. I am in the prayer circle that meets twice a month in the water heater room. But again, is he someone we want around our office, sending his poetry all willy nilly? Why? Why. Please end it.

Also, if I have to find his weird rules for his little boys club in the copier again I am going to quit, I swear. God.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, or was it his alter ego? Spooooooky noise. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.